Across social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram, a powerful phrase has taken root: 'decenter men.' For many Nigerian women, this term has become a rallying cry, articulating a deep-seated desire for a fundamental shift in perspective. But what does it truly mean, and why is it gaining such momentum?
Unpacking the Concept: It's Not About Hating Men
The idea entered mainstream discourse largely through writer Sherese Charlie Taylor and her 2019 book, Decentering Men. Taylor frames the concept as a response to the quiet frustration women experience after years of subtly organising their lives around male opinions, potential, or comfort.
At its core, decentering men is not a rejection of relationships or an anti-man manifesto. Instead, it is a conscious practice of no longer making men the focal point of one's emotional, social, or personal identity. It's about moving from a mindset of "How will this make me appear to a man?" to the more empowering question: "What do I actually want?"
This mindset shift encourages women to see themselves as the main characters in their own stories, build goals independent of male approval, and value their lives outside of romantic partnerships.
From Centering to Decentering: The Subtle Patterns
To understand the shift, one must first recognise what it means to 'center' men. This conditioning, often ingrained from childhood through fairy tales, cultural expectations, and media, manifests in subtle, everyday ways.
Centering men can look like:
- Orienting major life plans around securing a relationship or marriage.
- Feeling constant pressure to be the "perfect" girlfriend or future wife.
- Remaining in unfulfilling relationships due to fear of being seen as a failure.
- Basing self-worth on desirability or being "chosen."
- Making decisions—from career moves to wardrobe choices—based on anticipated male approval.
This pervasive narrative teaches women that their ultimate value and success are tied to a man, making the act of decentering a radical form of self-reclamation.
Why This Message Resonates Deeply with Nigerian Women
The concept has struck a significant chord for several compelling reasons. For many, it finally gives a name to a long-held feeling of exhaustion.
Firstly, patriarchal conditioning takes a profound mental toll. Many women describe living with an invisible "man-shaped shadow" influencing their choices and self-esteem. Decentering is seen as liberating—a way to unlearn the habit of waiting, accommodating, and holding back.
Secondly, it challenges the notion that romantic relationships are life's ultimate goal. It boldly asks: What if your life is already complete? This pushes back against relationships that drain rather than enrich, encouraging women not to mould themselves to fit dynamics that harm their wellbeing.
Ultimately, it creates space for rediscovery. When goals are no longer tied to romantic outcomes, women find room to explore personal interests, deepen friendships, pursue ambitions, and build an identity rooted in self-trust and internal validation.
What Decentering Men Looks Like in Real Life
A crucial clarification is that decentering men does not mean swearing off men or dating entirely. It is not a vow of celibacy. Many women in happy, committed relationships practice it by ensuring their partner is not the organising centre of their universe.
In practice, decentering can involve:
- Refusing to tolerate mediocre dates out of fear of loneliness.
- Choosing not to settle for dynamics that don't nurture growth and happiness.
- Centering one's own desires, values, and boundaries first.
- For some, it may mean taking a temporary break from dating to reconnect with themselves and interrogate what they truly want versus what society expects.
The movement's heart is a rejection of the narrative that love must hurt or require women to contort themselves. It advocates for building a life already rich with friendships, hobbies, ambition, community, and personal fulfilment. Romantic love becomes a beautiful addition, not the entire foundation.
The traction of "decenter men" comes from a place of clarity, not bitterness. It reflects a growing weariness with seeking unattainable approval and having identity reduced to relationship status. It is, fundamentally, about repositioning oneself at the centre of one's own life—a right everyone deserves.
