Many people in Nigeria and beyond don't simply fall in love with individuals. Often, they fall in love with a person's potential. This common pattern leads to relationships that feel more like rehabilitation projects than genuine partnerships, leaving one partner emotionally drained and exhausted.
Why We Try to "Fix" Our Romantic Partners
This instinct doesn't always mean you intentionally seek out partners who need help. According to insights shared by Anna Ajayi on 05 December 2025, the drive often stems from a deep-seated desire to feel needed. It can be rooted in a belief that love must be earned through relentless effort, a history of being the "strong one," or past trauma that normalizes doing emotional work alone.
You might believe you are rescuing someone, but a hidden hope often exists: that by fixing them, they will transform into the person who can finally care for you in return. This is why the disappointment cuts so deeply when change doesn't happen. This behavior is not a sign of weakness; it is a misplaced strength.
The Unhealthy Dynamics of the Fixer Role
Attempting to remodel a partner creates a fundamentally unbalanced relationship. One person assumes the role of the builder, while the other becomes the perpetual project. A life partner should be a companion, not an assignment.
This dynamic quietly breeds resentment. The fixer begins to feel unappreciated, overworked, and taken for granted, leading to profound loneliness even within the context of a romantic relationship. A crucial truth underpins this: people rarely change unless they want to for themselves, not because they feel indebted to someone else.
7 Steps to Break the Cycle and Cultivate Healthier Love
Recognizing the pattern is the first step. Key signs include being attracted to a person's future potential rather than their present reality, excusing red flags by attributing them to a temporary phase, feeling responsible for their healing, minimizing your own needs, and consistently being the emotional caretaker.
To move towards more reciprocal relationships, consider these seven strategies:
1. Accept Your Limits in Another's Healing
You can offer support, but you cannot force emotional accountability or maturity on another adult. Genuine growth must originate from within them.
2. Evaluate Present Reality, Not Future Potential
Ask yourself a critical question: "How is this person treating me right now?" Base your decisions on current evidence, not on promises of who they might become in five years.
3. Let People Manage Their Own Struggles
Resist the urge to jump in and solve every problem. Instead, encourage them to seek appropriate help, allow them to experience the natural consequences of their choices, and offer advice only when it is solicited. Healthy love provides a supportive foundation, not constant rescue missions.
4. Voice Your Own Emotional Needs Clearly
You are equally deserving of care and support. Practice communicating this directly: "I need support in this relationship too, not just responsibility." A partner who truly values you will make space for your needs.
5. Observe Behavior When You Step Back
When you stop fixing someone, their true character often becomes visible. Some individuals will step up and take more responsibility. Others may disengage or disappear. Both responses provide essential clarity about the relationship's viability.
6. Choose Partners Who Demonstrate Effort
Look for people who take responsibility for their actions, actively work on self-improvement, offer sincere apologies followed by change, and do not expect emotional childcare. You don't need a perfect partner, just one who is willing.
7. Heal the Part of You That Equates Love with Struggle
If chaos has felt like home, peace may seem unfamiliar at first. However, it is this peaceful, stable love that ultimately sustains and nourishes you over time.
Maintaining Softness Without Being Exploited
A common fear is that setting boundaries will lead to becoming cold or hardened. This does not have to be the case. You can remain a kind and loving person while clearly defining your limits. It is possible to be supportive without assuming responsibility for another adult's personal growth. Healthy love allows you to care deeply without carrying the entire emotional burden.
Unlearning the fixer instinct takes time, especially for those who grew up as the family's emotional caretaker. However, you deserve a relationship with someone who meets you as an equal, not one that drains your energy until nothing remains. Your softness is a form of power. Ensure it is shared mutually, not exploited. You have every right to seek a love that feels peaceful, reciprocal, and emotionally safe—a partnership that adds to your strength rather than one that survives solely on it. The ultimate goal is to love another person without losing yourself in the process.
