In a poignant reflection dated 8 January 2026, writer Olubokun Otame, writing from the United Kingdom, delves into the profound and often silent tensions surrounding the institution of marriage within the Nigerian context. He challenges the notion that monogamy is a universally comfortable fit, suggesting that for many, it is a "borrowed garment" that sits uneasily on shoulders shaped by a different history.
The Weight of Heritage and the Polygamous Past
Otame begins by drawing from deep wells of Nigerian proverbs and wisdom, reminding us that humans are not always in control of their destiny. He paints a vivid picture of the traditional polygamous compound, a foundational social structure for many Nigerian lineages. This was a world where the family was expansive, with many mothers and children, and the lineage stretched back like a great python across generations. Great-grandfathers, fathers, and uncles often had multiple wives, creating households that were like small villages.
From this complex tapestry, Otame observes, have emerged individuals who thrive with a sense of freedom. Conversely, he points to a modern paradox: some who strictly adhere to the vow of monogamy may conceal profound dissatisfaction and unspoken chains behind polite, social smiles. This contrast sets the stage for his central inquiry into the fit of monogamous marriage within a society with a polygamous heritage.
The Cultural Earthquake and a Borrowed Garment
The essay identifies a pivotal shift, echoing the lament of Chinua Achebe's iconic character, Okonkwo: "the white man put a knife to the things that held us together." Otame argues that the introduction of new, Western-centric systems and values acted like a seismic force, causing the centre of the traditional compound to tremble and the communal calabash to crack.
The result, he posits, is that monogamy was imported as part of this new package. For many, it was not an organic evolution but an external imposition. This has led to a widespread dissonance where individuals publicly declare fidelity to one spouse, yet their "shadows wander by night." Otame uses another powerful proverb to explain this hypocrisy: "The heart is a restless market; it does not close at sunset." When societal pressure silences honest discussion about natural human desires and cultural predispositions, hypocrisy inevitably grows in the shadows.
A Path Forward Guided by Wisdom
Olubokun Otame does not advocate for a simple return to polygamy nor a blind embrace of enforced monogamy. He warns against using tradition as a weapon or modernity as a whip. Instead, he calls for a middle path illuminated by wisdom, much like the evening star guides travellers.
The solution, he suggests, lies in authentic self-awareness and remembering one's source. He concludes with a potent Isoko proverb: "A river that forgets its source will surely run dry." For Otame, the seeds of identity are found in our loins, our stories, and our names. A sustainable approach to relationships in modern Nigeria must therefore acknowledge and respectfully engage with this deep cultural source, rather than pretending it does not exist. The future of Nigerian marriages may depend on this honest reconciliation of the past with the present.
