In the complex world of modern dating, understanding the distinction between a red flag and a deal breaker can be the difference between a healthy relationship and a painful experience. Gloria Adesanya, on January 13, 2026, highlighted this critical relationship skill, emphasising that red flags are warnings, while deal breakers are ultimatums. Mastering this difference is essential for staying grounded, avoiding unnecessary heartbreak, and protecting your emotional peace.
Understanding Red Flags: The Early Warning System
Red flags in a relationship are not immediate relationship-enders. They function as cautionary signals, behaviours, or patterns that should make you pause and pay closer attention. Think of them as your internal alarm system indicating that something feels off and requires clarity.
These signs often point to underlying issues such as emotional immaturity, unresolved personal trauma, or simple personality clashes that need to be addressed. The key factor is that a red flag presents an opportunity for growth and change if both partners are willing to work on it. However, a red flag escalates into a deal breaker when it becomes a repeated pattern, especially after you have communicated your concerns and seen no genuine effort to change.
Top 10 Red Flags in Modern Nigerian Dating
Here are ten common red flags you should be vigilant about:
1. Poor Communication Skills: If every disagreement leads to ghosting, gaslighting, or stonewalling, it signals deep instability that can affect your mental well-being.
2. Inconsistent Behaviour: Promises of change today followed by the same negative behaviour tomorrow show a lack of reliability. True consideration is shown through consistent action.
3. Lack of Accountability: A partner who constantly blames external factors—their past, job, or family—and never takes personal responsibility is waving a major red flag.
4. Excessive Jealousy: While a little jealousy is natural, monitoring your movements or controlling who you speak to is a sign of possessiveness that can lead to abuse.
5. Love Bombing: Overwhelming affection at the very beginning of a relationship can be a manipulation tactic. Such intense passion often fizzles out as quickly as it appeared.
6. Poor Boundaries: This includes snooping through your phone, demanding constant access to you, or dismissing your legitimate need for personal space.
7. Passive Aggression: Resorting to silent treatments, sarcastic remarks, or emotional withdrawal instead of engaging in honest, direct communication.
8. Emotional Unavailability: Being physically present but emotionally absent, and avoiding conversations that require any depth or vulnerability.
9. Disrespectful "Jokes": If a comment hurts you and you are dismissed as being "too sensitive," that is not a joke; it is disrespect disguised as humour.
10. Refusing to Compromise: A rigid "my way or the highway" attitude shows an inability to work as a team and value your partner's perspective.
Defining Deal Breakers: Your Non-Negotiables
Deal breakers are fundamentally different. These are clear, non-negotiable boundaries. They are behaviours or value clashes that directly compromise your safety, well-being, or core principles. These are not issues to manage, fix, or tolerate. They are valid, justified reasons to step away from a relationship, regardless of how others may perceive your standards.
Critical Deal Breakers You Should Never Ignore
1. Any Form of Abuse: Whether it is emotional belittling, physical violence, financial control, or attempts to isolate you, abuse is an immediate and non-negotiable exit signal. There is no discussion needed.
2. Chronic Dishonesty: Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. A partner who is consistently dishonest is a liability. Rebuilding trust is a monumental task, and a pattern of lies will erode your peace faster than anything else.
3. Fundamental Value Conflicts: Profound disagreements on core life issues like having children, views on marriage, religious beliefs, or desired lifestyles are not minor. You cannot change a person's deeply held values, and trying will only breed resentment.
4. Infidelity (Cheating): Beyond the betrayal, cheating carries risks like sexually transmitted infections and profound emotional trauma. For many, this is a definitive deal breaker.
5. Financial Irresponsibility: Money problems tend to grow, not shrink. A partner who is financially reckless can pull you down and hinder progress for both of you.
6. Lack of Basic Respect: Someone who consistently belittles you does not value you. It is human nature to praise and honour those we truly respect.
7. Incompatible Life Goals: Love, while powerful, is not enough to bridge completely opposite visions for the future. Long-term compatibility is a key driver of lasting relationships.
8. Zero Emotional Support: If your partner treats your pain or struggles as an inconvenience, that is a clear answer about their capacity for empathy and partnership.
9. Refusal to Grow: A person who is stubbornly resistant to personal growth and self-improvement will eventually stifle the growth of their partner.
Why We Confuse Red Flags and Deal Breakers
Our emotions often cloud our judgment. When we are emotionally invested, we tend to downgrade serious deal breakers into mere "red flags" we think we can handle. We tell ourselves "it's not that bad" when it absolutely is. Common reasons for this include emotional attachment, which blurs reality; fear of being alone, which makes us tolerate unacceptable behaviour; and the sunk cost fallacy—the mistaken belief that past investment (time, money, emotion) justifies future suffering.
The simplest way to distinguish them is to assess willingness, accountability, and effort. A red flag may be a behaviour that improves when addressed. A deal breaker is a harmful pattern that continues despite your communication and leaves you feeling anxious, disrespected, or unsafe.
To identify your own deal breakers, evaluate your personal boundaries, understand your core values, and list your non-negotiables. Ask yourself key questions: Does this affect my peace or safety? Is it a pattern? Do I feel heard? Would I accept this from a stranger?
Remember: Red flags help you pay attention. Deal breakers help you walk away. Your intuition is your emotional immune system. Trust it. If you find yourself constantly shrinking to make a relationship work, it is a powerful sign to pause and seriously reconsider your path forward.
